Saturday, April 30, 2005

big ups to redcent

ready to battle?

also...check out added pic to the pope post.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

photoblogs make me want to travel

...and dance the argentinian tango.

and also, i saw this picture of pope benedict xvi in the Toronto Star today. he had that hannibal lecter look that anthony hopkins made famous---insidiously calm and suspiciously human. anthony hopkins was acting. bennie was trying to erase his past and show a soft side. i'm kinda scared.


Saturday, April 23, 2005

i'm being moved

...by Edvard Grieg's Piano Sonata in E minor, Op.7. No piano piece has made me listen up recently. This is a good sign. Holy shit!...inexplicably haunting harmonies, so apparently simple. I can't figure out how sounds arranged just so can do this to me. It's all there, swimming in darkness and it makes me want to follow it. I really want to explain this. It makes me go into myself. Like the darkness without enters me and I follow it in, with pinholes of light trying to invade the impenetrable firmament.

so apparently, i'm still up

...so naturally, i discovered this thingamajigger.

weird---a baby name wizard.

Dear Diary,

i am very sleepy. my eyes are tired and droopy. i really should be sleeping, but the glowing monitor light draws me.

i feel like i shouldn't sleep because i haven't finished thinking about things that i want answers to, or at least that's my theory. not that i have trouble sleeping. believe me, when my head hits the pillow, i'm good as dead. but i think it's more like my mind doesn't want to quit yet. oh, silly mind, you're so silly. just look at you and that strange dance you do.

also, i wonder what i would write when i'm really tired and dazed. i will look at this in the morning and cringe, as often happens after reading my own posts.

blogging is really strange. why don't people just say things to each other? i guess the truth is, it's just hard to make conversation flow into a lot of areas that bloggers decide to publish about. it still seems ridiculous to me, but i can't help doing it on occasion.

maybe it's to reach a wider audience. again, very strange. why the need to have more people read your thoughts? unless, of course, it's of a creative nature. but if it's just babble like this piece of work, why do it? let's see, why am i doing it now? hell, i don't know. it's because i'm tired. and when tired, i become a robot of sorts. i simply respond to stimuli. bright light...must look at it...more...more...fingers...keep...moving moving moving...click...click...click...

sorry brain, you're just gonna have to rest for the night. maybe by morning, you won't remember what you're thinking about. damn memory.

damn, i'm thirsty.

Saturday, April 02, 2005

restless

I’m feeling restless. I enter my bedroom, getting ready to go out, but I’m immobilized. I want to figure something out and I feel like I’m searching for answers in places in which I know they won’t be found, nudged by the creeping knowledge that I've already looked there; and even if I were to find them, I know I won’t listen.

Sometimes, I already think I know the answers. And then I think, “Who am I kidding? That’s the wrong answer.” It’s circular---a short track in my head. And it’s not even a nice track with a rich redness. It’s just gray and soggy like today. I trudge along, my feet sink and it’s an exhausting feat of will getting one foot up.

There’s a constant conflict between my nature, the way I know I work, and the nagging voice that wants to push its evolution, perhaps before it’s time.

I just get so tired of convincing and validating and accepting. I just want to throw it all up in the air and laugh at it all as it falls down where it might. But then I’ll just be accepting random outcomes, not owning anything but my ability to give everything important to me up to other forces. But how do you even know when that’s precisely what you should be doing? When doing that is an act of courage and not weakness?

i needed to dry something quickly for tonight. so, i took my little but powerful Honeywell fan and pulled on an extension cord. of course, because i'm a little geeky klutz, i forgot that my lamp was plugged in. it fell and then i actually found myself saying sorry to the lamp...a couple times.