it's like falling in love
Huh? What? God...she's getting mushy and cheesy and all things bad!! Someone hit her on the head!! Make her shut up! NO!!! Don't even let her start!! Oh no...there she goes...
Yeah...so real thoughts...you up for it? Oh god, I'm blogging real thoughts. I need a pill, maybe.
I was just thinking how my relationship with the piano IS like falling in love. I don't know why I can't touch the thing these days. You know, like how some days that person you couldn't get enough of, couldn't get your hands off, is unbearable to be around. You know what I mean?
When I was in first year, this guy named Greg asked why I don't just go ahead and audition for performance. He had the audacity to tell me that I'm just afraid of failure. He made me so angry. What the hell did he know about me anyway? PLUS, it was frosh week. What is he? Some visionary sage? But his comment haunts me to this day. It doesn't make me practice, though.
For a long time now, I've thought that I'm simply afraid to fail at the one thing that has been with me for as long as I can remember. When I don't want to be around people, that has always been there. I used to get completely lost in it.
At the same time, I felt like it took me away from my friends, especially when I was way younger. Kids played outside and I practiced inside. Part of my inability to commit had to do with knowing that I could become isolated and I think I needed to learn how to balance that. I had a loving piano teacher in Gr. 8 who actually suggested that I quit school and just do music. HA!
Then, of course, when I headed off to university, I realized I would be leaving it behind. And, somehow knowing that long-distance relationships are hard to keep up and that many don't work, I just couldn't leave it behind.
[Oh man, I suddenly have a sharp pain on the right side of my head. Blogging thoughts like these don't agree with me.]
Still, I wasn't ready. I played the piano more than I read philosophy, than I did calculus, than I worked on computer programs, than I worked on French. Then, I adjusted to being on my own and I left the piano behind for a bit. I'm so hot and cold that way.
Then, I fell for someone else and got side-tracked. Wait a second, this whole analogy makes me a two-timer! Eeeeek! I was having an affair!!! How silly of me!
But it waits for me patiently. It calls to me gently. It breaks my heart to ignore its faux ivory smile. I feel myself slowly going back to it. But it's really, really scary. One more shot...that's all I've got. When I try again, it'll have to be with everything I have. I guess if it doesn't work, I just don't want to hate it. I don't want it to hurt when I think of it caressed and coaxed into tenderly passionate supplication in someone else's hands. Those tiny pricks I feel now whenever I hear classical piano would become violent stabs.
I mean, what if it doesn't work? Can we ever be friends? At least this way, it just kind of pinches, but I can still visit for hours and enjoy myself.
So...I will read this another time, and if I absolutely cringe. I will pull this post.
I do intend to dive in eventually, though. I'm working my way there. I realize that it's stupid to wait until everything feels right because that never seems to happen. Time just slips away. So...when I'm not so tired and sleepy from this fucking commuting [I swore!!]... Shit!... [oopsies], I will make up a practice schedule.
I think I'll go throw up now. I can't stand this diary-type blogging thing. No more! No more, I tell ya!
posted by me @ 9:16 p.m.
4 Comments:
Ha ha, I read it before you could pull it.
I want to know though, why is piano so all or nothing for you? What do you mean fail exactly? What is the standard you are aiming at, which if you fall below it you will berate yourself and never play piano again?
First of all, much of this post did make me cringe, but seeing as you've already commented, I will keep it here as a reminder of why I hate making thoughts public like this.
The standard...hard to say. I'm realistic enough to know that it's very hard to attain the degree of excellence that I only wish I could reach. So, I've settled for aiming to try my very best to get there. But then I wonder whether this idea of settling hampers my motivation.
I figure the only thing I can do is to put everything into it. I've already acted on the desire to do this half-way and I know how far that gets me. The only thing I haven't done is committed to it 100%.
I mean, you really want to write a good novel, right? Can you commit to it any less than 100% of your efforts? Will you be satisfied knowing you could have done so much more?
And yes, if I don't get THAT feeling, which I guess is this abstract standard that I'll know I've attained when I attain it, I will have failed.
When you love something and put so much of yourself into it, it's hard to pull yourself up. Seriously, I think it's like falling in love and then feeling like you're just not good enough.
Then all I'll be good for is fulfilling requests for ABBA's "Fernando". Ugh! Been there, done that...my lowest musical moment!
I don't know... i'm certainly not making a hundred percent effort to write a novel now... otherwise i wouldn't be reading this... i guess it means i will work on it longer rather than less though.
btw, you need to post more often to maintain readership. ;)
100% doesn't mean doing nothing but writing a novel or practicing. you're not supposed to shut everything else out. geeeeez!
you've been pretty good about keeping to a plan of words to write per day, though.
post more? as in actually write more? tempting indeed, but hard to picture. you never know, i do live in the suburbs now. it's really weird making thoughts public, though.
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